Ruddy Heckmas
Story
───
Well now
Everything that is
[that’s to say every thing that exists]
[that has ever existed]
[or that will ever exist]
when put together
looks a bit like a mammoth sliced loaf
A loaf with 26 slices to be precise
And each slice is run by its very own company
And all of these companies
share the same office block
Each company is very much in the business
of creating stuff
and
providing us all with existence
There’s the A’niverse Ltd
B’niverse & Co
C’niverse & Sons
the D’niverse Group
and the E’niverse Group
All the way through to
the T’niverse
U’niverse
and up to the Y’niverse
and the Z’niverse PLC’s
You might have a good idea
which existence provider
you yourself are with
Every company has a big boss called the G.O.D.
[Governor Of Doing]
And the job of every G.O.D.
is to create as much life
as much being
as is possibly possible
───
Now __ around 2000 years ago the Y’niverse
was struggling to meet its end of year targets
The Governor G.O.D. N Bennet
was in his office feeling the strain
He shouted out to his Assistant
RUDDY HECK __ We’re in trouble again Moeli
As usual Moeli was on the phone having a natter
He paused
Yes Bennet __ I know he sighed
We’re at the bottom of the league again
13th year on the trot
That won't do
Beaten again
Bennet grumbled
Ruddy A’niverse always finish top
They have it easy
Being at the front of the directory
people always call them first
───
Now G.O.D. N Bennet
could be a bit of a grumpfuss
as it’s not easy being a G.O.D.
[Lots of creation to be doing]
That's why each G.O.D.
in each company
has a Creation Assistant
__ to help
Like all Creation Assistants
Moeli had a special nattering brain
for nattering up new ideas for creation
But Assistants tend to spend all day
nattering rubbish amongst themselves
They seem unaware of it
Bennet looked at Moeli
nattering away
at full speed
on the phone
and declared
Right then we need action
Schedule a Mahoosive Meeting
around the Mahoosive Meeting Table
Ooh heck said Moeli under his breath
A Mahoosive Meeting is a very proper affair
───
The Mahoosive Meeting Table
was 999 billion miles long
and sat at opposite ends
Bennet and Moeli could barely see each other
But they began to hatch a plan
We need a gimmick began Bennet
Something to keep the Punter’s happy
and take the Y‘niverse back up the league
Moeli started to natter ideas
What about __ two for one on Solar Systems?
Can’t __ it’s beyond our budget replied Bennet
Ok __ buy a brand new Galaxy now
pay nothing until September!
offered Moeli
That’s the G’niverse promotion groaned Bennet
FIXED RATES FOR FIRST TIME SPECIES!
barked Moeli
Ruddy U’niverse are doing it
whimpered Bennet
Cor __ the old creation business
It's a touch tricky at the moment isn’t it?
sighed Moeli
It’s no party these days
RUDDY HECK __ that’s it cried Bennet
A PARTY!
───
Their inspired brains stormed on
and soon Bennet and Moeli
were creating the most massive celebration
ever to be seen in all of existence
We’ll hold it every year! bellowed Bennet
Yes! Yes! agreed Moeli
Have it at winter time
Some snow on the ground
Mincey pie’s
Good will to others
Loads of presents
That kind of malarkey
Good thinking smiled Bennet
But the party needs an image
an icon
something catchy
Got it! said Moeli
The little Baby Jesus
You created him for the rainiest rainy day
He’s such a special little fella
Yes __ the Christ boy agreed Bennet
This party is going to be massive
Massive __ hmmm
MAS __
We can call the whole thing
' CHRISTMAS '
───
Soon G.O.D. N Bennet and his Assistant Moeli
of Y’niverse PLC
were close to launching Christmas
The dates were finalised
an entry for The New History Book
was ready to file
and there was just one other detail to attend to
What with all this present giving
we’re going to need a quality delivery firm
declared Bennet
We need the best deliveryman of them all
___________ SANTY
Oh yes of course
it has to be Santy!
He’s just great at delivering
approved Moeli
AND MOELI said Bennet
as he left the Mahoosive Meeting Room
DON'T natter about CHRISTMAS
It will be announced to everyone
in The End Of Year Existence Journal
It‘s our chance
to get off the bottom of the league
and show everyone that the Y‘niverse
can be a ruddy great place to exist!
───
Left all alone in the infinite silence
an inevitable chain reaction began
in Moeli's nattering brain
Before I call Santy and The New History Book
he told himself picking up the phone
I’ll just ring Gabriel
the Assistant at the U’niverse _______
Hey Gabe __ it’s Moeli here
Now Moeli knew not to mention Christmas
But the urge to natter
is a part of all Creation Assistants
Their nattering brains are made to natter
Moeli couldn't help himself
Listen Gabe __
began Moeli settling down for a good natter
keep it to yourself
but were cooking up something
ruddy terrific
here at the Y’niverse
Moeli nattered to Gabe
Gabe nattered to Slick
Slick nattered to Jono
and soon every Assistant
was part of a Christmas natterfest
All of them totally oblivious
to the consequences of such a nattering
───
Back in the office G.O.D. N Bennet
was eagerly awaiting
The End Of Year Creation Journal
The freshly printed paper landed on his desk
Ho Ho __ Here we go sang Bennet
as he excitedly read aloud the headline
A bottom of the league Existence Provider
finished at the top this year
as CHRISTMAS
the biggest party in all existence
was launched today
Bennet beamed
The Governor of this innovative company
can expect to stay top of the rankings
for centuries to come
Bennet shouted triumphantly
YEESSS!
He read on
So congratulations go to this years best Governor
G.O.D. Al Mighty of the U’niverse
Bennet stopped dead
He read the line again
________
and again
________
and again
________
Congratulations go to G.O.D. Al Mighty
of the U’niverse
what the ____________
HOW HAS G.O.D. AL MIGHTY
GOT MY BRILLIANT IDEA????
screamed Bennet
Moeli staggered into the office
on the phone
mid natter
He paused
His mouth fell open
He looked up at Bennet
The New History Book
They're on the phone gasped Moeli
You'll never believe this Bennet
but the U’niverse filed Christmas
as an entry
just before us
We need a different ruddy idea
RIGHT NOW! he shrieked
We need a different ruddy name and everything
Nicemas?
Verygoodmas?
OKmas?
Pleasantmas?
Moeli stopped __________________________
What do you say G.O.D. N Bennet? he pleaded
_________
_______________ RUDDY HECK!!!
Surprised Moeli whispered down the phone
Err ___ Hello The New History Book
Err ___ Did you get that?
Err ___ We're going with __
RUDDY
HECKMAS
and a
PAPPY
NEW YEAR
Linked
───
Graphics
Words
Ruddy Heckmas Story ❚❚