Ruddy Heckmas


Well now

Everything that is

                [that’s to say every thing that exists]

                [that has ever existed]

                [or that will ever exist]

when put together

looks a bit like a mammoth sliced loaf

A loaf with 26 slices to be precise

And each slice is run by its very own company

And all of these companies

share the same office block

Each company is very much in the business

of creating stuff


providing us all with existence

                There’s the  A’niverse Ltd

                B’niverse & Co

                C’niverse & Sons

                the  D’niverse Group

                and the  E’niverse Group

                All the way through to

                the  T’niverse


                and up to the  Y’niverse

                and the  Z’niverse PLC’s

You might have a good idea

which existence provider

you yourself are with

Every company has a big boss called the  G.O.D.

                                                 [Governor Of Doing]

And the job of every  G.O.D.

is to create as much life

                   as much being

                   as is possibly possible


Now __ around 2000 years ago the  Y’niverse

was struggling to meet its end of year targets

The Governor  G.O.D. N Bennet

was in his office feeling the strain

He shouted out to his  Assistant

RUDDY HECK __ We’re in trouble again  Moeli

As usual  Moeli  was on the phone having a natter

He paused

Yes  Bennet __ I know  he sighed

We’re at the bottom of the league again

13th year on the trot

That won't do

Beaten again

Bennet  grumbled

Ruddy  A’niverse  always finish top

They have it easy

Being at the front of the directory

people always call them first


Now  G.O.D. N Bennet

could be a bit of a grumpfuss

as it’s not easy being a  G.O.D.  

[Lots of creation to be doing]

That's why each  G.O.D.

in each company

has a  Creation Assistant

                                             __ to help

Like all  Creation Assistants  

Moeli  had a special nattering brain

for nattering up new ideas for creation

But  Assistants  tend to spend all day

nattering rubbish amongst themselves

               They seem unaware of it

Bennet  looked at  Moeli

               nattering away

               at full speed

               on the phone

               and declared

Right then we need action

Schedule a  Mahoosive Meeting

around the  Mahoosive Meeting Table

Ooh heck  said  Moeli  under his breath

A  Mahoosive Meeting  is a very proper affair


The  Mahoosive Meeting Table

was 999 billion miles long

and sat at opposite ends

Bennet  and  Moeli  could barely see each other

But they began to hatch a plan

We need a gimmick  began  Bennet

Something to keep the Punter’s happy

and take the  Y‘niverse  back up the league

Moeli  started to natter ideas

What about __ two for one on Solar Systems?

Can’t __ it’s beyond our budget  replied  Bennet

Ok __ buy a brand new Galaxy now

pay nothing until September!

offered  Moeli

That’s the  G’niverse  promotion  groaned  Bennet


barked  Moeli

Ruddy  U’niverse  are doing it

whimpered  Bennet

Cor __ the old creation business

It's a touch tricky at the moment isn’t it?

sighed  Moeli

It’s no party these days

RUDDY HECK __ that’s it  cried  Bennet

                                                   A PARTY!


Their inspired brains stormed on

and soon  Bennet  and  Moeli

were creating the most massive celebration

ever to be seen in all of existence

We’ll hold it every year!  bellowed  Bennet

Yes! Yes!  agreed  Moeli

                 Have it at winter time

                 Some snow on the ground

                 Mincey pie’s

                 Good will to others

                 Loads of presents

That kind of malarkey

Good thinking  smiled  Bennet

                 But the party needs an image

                 an icon

                 something catchy

Got it!  said  Moeli

                 The little  Baby Jesus

You created him for the rainiest rainy day

He’s such a special little fella

Yes __ the  Christ  boy  agreed  Bennet

This party is going to be massive

Massive __ hmmm

MAS __

We can call the whole thing

                     ' CHRISTMAS '


Soon  G.O.D. N Bennet  and his Assistant  Moeli

of  Y’niverse PLC

were close to launching  Christmas

The dates were finalised

an entry for  The New History Book

was ready to file

and there was just one other detail to attend to

What with all this present giving

we’re going to need a quality delivery firm

declared  Bennet

We need the best deliveryman of them all

                                              ___________ SANTY

Oh yes of course

it has to be  Santy!

He’s just great at delivering

approved  Moeli

AND MOELI  said  Bennet

as he left the  Mahoosive Meeting Room

DON'T natter about  CHRISTMAS

It will be announced to everyone

in  The End Of Year Existence Journal

It‘s our chance

to get off the bottom of the league

and show everyone that the  Y‘niverse

can be a ruddy great place to exist!


Left all alone in the infinite silence

an inevitable chain reaction began

in  Moeli's  nattering brain

Before I call  Santy  and  The New History Book

he told himself picking up the phone

I’ll just ring  Gabriel

the  Assistant  at the  U’niverse _______

                    Hey  Gabe __ it’s  Moeli  here

Now  Moeli  knew not to mention  Christmas

But the urge to natter

is a part of all  Creation Assistants

Their nattering brains are made to natter

Moeli  couldn't help himself

                    Listen  Gabe __

began  Moeli  settling down for a good natter

                    keep it to yourself

                    but were cooking up something

                    ruddy terrific

                    here at the  Y’niverse

Moeli  nattered to  Gabe

Gabe  nattered to  Slick

Slick   nattered to  Jono

and soon every  Assistant

was part of a  Christmas  natterfest

All of them totally oblivious

to the consequences of such a nattering


Back in the office  G.O.D. N Bennet

was eagerly awaiting

The End Of Year Creation Journal

The freshly printed paper landed on his desk

Ho Ho __ Here we go  sang  Bennet

as he excitedly read aloud the headline

A bottom of the league Existence Provider

finished at the top this year

                as  CHRISTMAS

the biggest party in all existence

was launched today

Bennet  beamed

The Governor of this innovative company

can expect to stay top of the rankings

for centuries to come

Bennet  shouted triumphantly


He read on

So congratulations go to this years best Governor

                       G.O.D. Al Mighty  of the  U’niverse

Bennet  stopped dead

He read the line again


                    and again


                    and again


Congratulations go to  G.O.D. Al Mighty

                          of the  U’niverse

                          what the ____________



                          screamed  Bennet

Moeli  staggered into the office

on the phone

mid natter

He paused

His mouth fell open

He looked up at  Bennet

The New History Book

They're on the phone  gasped  Moeli

You'll never believe this  Bennet

but the  U’niverse  filed  Christmas

                                       as an entry

                                       just before us

We need a different ruddy idea

RIGHT NOW!  he shrieked

We need a different ruddy name and everything





Moeli  stopped __________________________

What do you say  G.O.D. N Bennet?  he pleaded


_______________ RUDDY HECK!!!

Surprised  Moeli  whispered down the phone

Err ___ Hello  The New History Book

Err ___ Did you get that?

Err ___ We're going with __


                                      and a

      NEW YEAR




Xmas    2006 ►

Ruddy Heckmas    Book ►


Ruddy Heckmas    Story